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Best Mid-life Crisis Cars of 2013

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On: Wed, Jun 12, 2013 at 9:39AM | By: Teddy Field

Best Mid-life Crisis Cars of 2013

So it's finally dawned on you: You're halfway between youth and retirement, and you're starting to miss the endless optimism that you had as a kid. Back then, everything seemed possible, and your hair was located on your head, instead of your chest and ears. You miss that feeling of freedom you got when the DMV literally gave you a license to go anywhere you pleased. That first car became your escape pod, your faithful companion with which you explored the world. And you finally discovered what it felt like to be an adult.

Now that you've gained some perspective on life, you want to get a car that'll give you back that carefree feeling. Except you actually have the money to do it right this time. Luckily, the 2013 model year has seen many unprecedented advancements. Ford unveiled a tiny 1.0-liter turbo-3 which is capable of churning out an 123-hp. On the other end of the spectrum, McLaren released a wild looking new supercar called the P1, and it comes with, wait for it, a 903-hp gas-electric hybrid powertrain! This is certainly our “Golden Era” for cars. And if you're itching for a fun new car, that can divert attention from your rapidly growing bald spot, you've got a fantastic lot to pick from. So put down the Rogaine, go trim your ear hair, and get ready to become a stereotype!

2013 Ford Mustang
America's favorite pony car is a perfect choice for the “older” person who wants to make a spectacle of himself. You can chose from a 305-hp V6, a 420-hp 5.0L that works better than Viagra, or a 662-hp 2013 Ford Mustang Shelby GT500. You can get a coupe, a coupe with a glass roof, or a convertible. Then there's a myriad of custom touches that you can order right from the factory. Rims, grilles, hood scoops, louvers, stripes & decals. You can create your own giant Hot Wheels car, and get a factory warranty to boot.

Driving a School Bus Yellow Mustang GT Convertible with black racing stripes and big hood scoop is... like flipping a bird at Father Time. However, everybody will be staring at your bald spot.

Prices start at $22,200.
Dignity sold separately.

2013 Porsche Boxster
If you prefer something that's a bit more sophisticated, the Porsche Boxster is all new for 2013, and they say it's been designed to make the driver look 30 lbs lighter. In an effort to shed its 'cheaper Porsche' image, the 2013 Porsche Boxster gets more masculine looks, a luxurious new interior, and more power. While it is a bit quicker than the outgoing model, this little mid-engine drop-top has always been known for its brilliant handling. And true to its reputation, the new Boxster gets a lighter, wider chassis, which translates into razor-sharp reflexes, despite it's new electric steering system.

The 2013 Porsche Boxster is a more mature version of Stuttgart's sexy little roadster. Sort of like you, bigger, but somehow better. Although the Boxster has probably aged better.

Prices start at $49,500, and your total can quickly escalate once you start piling on the options.

2013 Ford F-150 Limited
Sports cars aren't for everyone, especially if your age is starting to catch up to you. Ingress/egress on a sports car can be a real pain in the knees/back/hips. So, Ford has just launched a gaudy, over-the-top luxury version of the F-150, and it comes with side steps that automatically fold out when you open the door. Known as the 2013 Ford F-150 Limited, this blinged-out hauler comes loaded with features normally reserved for actual luxury cars. Sexy HID headlights flank a tasteful 3-bar grille, and all of the exterior trim is painted to match the body color (red, black, or white). A set of 22-inch polished aluminum wheels gives this truck an imposing presence, and chrome 'L I M I T E D' letters on the side of the bed inform everyone that your truck is expensive.

On the inside, the 2013 Ford F-150 Limited gets heated & cooled front seats with memory, and they're upholstered in a shade of red leather that puts you in mind of chest hair and gold chains. Other amenities include rain-sensing wipers, lots of sound insulation, a piano black-trimmed center console with a chromed shifter, and a big red leather arm rest. Above that sits an 8-inch touchscreen, filled with the often distracting MyFord Touch & Sync systems (it can tell you things like sports scores and fuel prices). There's also a big moonroof. power-sliding rear window, ambient lighting, more red & black leather trim, and a unique gauge cluster that integrates a bunch of distractions into a 4.2 inch 'Productivity Screen'. Under the hood is Ford's much lauded 3.5L twin-turbo EcoBoost V6, which is capable of sending 365-hp/420 lb-ft to either 2-or-4 wheels. Towing capacity is a manly 11,300 lbs, and, thanks to its stiffer sport suspension, this quiet, shockingly luxurious pickup actually handles pretty well.

If you live in Dallas, and wear a gold Rolex, the 2013 Ford F-150 Limited would make an ideal mid-life crisis rig.

Prices start at $53,185.

Chest hair trimmer sold separately.

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