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Crimes Against Car-manity #1: '84 Aspt Custom GTO

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On: Fri, Mar 1, 2013 at 9:37AM | By: Andrew W Davis

Crimes Against Car-manity #1: '84 Aspt Custom GTO

For shame.

Welcome to my latest web series on “Things That Should Earn You Serious and Prolonged Beatings.” Here you will read about the worst things people have done to otherwise perfectly-good cars—and yes, that includes crushing them—in the pursuit of fame, glory, money or the aforementioned threat of physical harm.

This installment covers the “1984 Aspt Custom GTO”, a vehicle that stained the rolls at Mecum Auction’s Kissimmee, FL, sale Jan. 18-27, and the many, MANY questions such a monstrosity presents. [Mass hysteria? Head injury? Anything?]

The first line of the auction description spells out everything you need to know: “This beautiful car started life as a 1968 Pontiac GTO”. It was obviously written by Yoda, as the important words are all mixed up. It should read, “This started life as a beautiful 1968 Pontiac GTO car.”

How a gorgeous car like a ’68 Goat ended up this way is covered in sentence two: “In 1984 Florida Metal Craft of Winter Garden, FL removed the body, cut the chassis 18" and hand-made the body using only stainless steel and aluminum.”

So now we know the scene and timeframe of the crime. As for its extent, we read that the “1968 GTO drivetrain 400/350 HP motor and M22 rock crusher transmission” were kept, but apart from the wheels, seats and shift knob, no other bit of this rolling eyesore was sourced from anywhere but the local hardware store.

You can bet that a lot of work into creating something so viscerally repulsive, so for anyone willing to write this kind of check for this kind of freak, it had to be a labor of (twisted) love. Odd, then—though lucky for the rest of humanity—that it “only” turned “2,047 miles since car was built in 1984.”

But here’s the truly galling part: “The car was totally restored in 2012.” Why?!? Did its creator/owner successfully escape from the maximum-security whacko-basket they were committed to shortly after this thing was created, only to find out nearly two decades later that the villagers had burned and buried its carcass? Did they then suss out its unmarked grave, reclaim its remains from the earth, and perform whatever unholy rite was necessary for it to haunt the streets anew “restored”?

[And what’s with the “Aspt” name? Is that the demon that holds sway over anyone who looks at it in person? If you say it three times fast does it make you want to bid $6k like whatever sucker did, only to find it wasn’t enough to “win” it at auction? Either way, DON’T! It could literally grow on you!]

Black magic aside, here are some facts: Pontiac built 87,684 GTOs in 1968, with just under 10k being the highly-sought-after convertibles. Assuming these doom-bringers didn’t completely lose their minds, they instead sacrificed one of the 77,704 coupes.

Price guides put the values of such hardtops at between $17k and $23k [with drop-tops between $22,500 and $32,500], or a damn sight higher than the top bid on this eyesore. I can only assume that the six grand represented the value of the Poncho running gear, with a little added for the scrap value of the remaining stainless steel and aluminum.

Regardless we can only pray that this creature returns to its dark lair, taking this former-GTO with it. The problem, of course, is that said creature is most likely undead, and therefore isn’t going to leave this demon seed to its own, less-evil seed, who will then do only right and proper thing holy writ proscribes for situations like these: Burn it. With fire. Let us pray...

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