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Finally! An Auto Auction Lot That Comes With A Lifetime Mating-Prevention Guarantee!

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On: Thu, Sep 6, 2012 at 11:49AM | By: Andrew W Davis

Finally! An Auto Auction Lot That Comes With A Lifetime Mating-Prevention Guarantee!

Have a problem with getting too many women? I, being such a person, know what it’s like; they follow you everywhere, looking for any excuse to hop in your car and go…wherever.

This is why I’ve been considering replacing my eight-passenger 1989 Olds Custom Cruiser. If only I could find something that would not only seat one (and some groceries) and—most importantly—would instantly kill the mating instinct of the human female on sight.

As it turns out my ideal lust-killer’s been around since the 1980s: the Litestar Pulse. And if only I’d been at Auctions America’s Auburn Indiana sale last weekend—and been suffering from a tragic-yet-comical brain injury—I could’ve been the sad… I mean LUCKY guy who traded $22,000 actual American dollars for Lot 4052, a “1990 Reconstructed Pulse Litestar.”

Way to go, dude! No more girl-sourced cooties for you!

OK, let’s get it out of the way up front: This was a stupid idea before the first one appeared in 1984 and the stupid being only mounted until the Owosso, Michigan-based company finally caught on and quit in 1990 after building 360 of these dorkmobiles.

If there’s one positive thing to say about this thing—and I’m reaching here—it’s that it has one of those “vibrant fan communities” of like-minded weirdos that not only show they have no taste or style but that they’re dedicated in devising ways to keep as many of these goofmobiles on the road as possible by going to far as to manufacture (or repurpose) new gear.

[The source of the word “reconstructed” in the description?]

Anyhoo, here’s the rest of the description:

“The Pulse was built in Owosso, Michigan in the middle 1980s to 1990. A total of 360 were produced. It was advertised as getting 100-mpg and capable of speeds up to 140-mph. The super economy was attributed to its very low wind resistance as a result of its aerodynamic fuselage-type body and its very economical/high performance Honda water-cooled 1100-cc opposed four-cylinder engine. Coupled with a five-speed gearbox and shaft-drive (the whole Gold Wing bike except for the forks), this vehicle provides incredible performance with super economy!

“The dash includes all the gauges that one would expect in a high performance sports car plus a switch to turn on the strobe for landings!

“Although the 1990 Pulse may look much like an early 1985 model, be assured that the vehicle has been re-engineered considerably over the years. The manufacturer has improved much, including top speed and acceleration, handling, comfort, safety, appearance, durability and maintainability.

“Seating for two including seatbelts and a factory roll bar which help make the Pulse very comfortable and safe!

“This very rare late example has less than 2,000 original miles, and is excellent condition and is ready to “Show or go”. Rare tow bar is included. Please note this car has a Branded Title.”

So there you go; it’s your basic 1980s “Car of the Future” that nobody liked in its own time, is nothing like what we have here now that we’re actually in their “future,” and will in no way influence future vehicles (or people, thanks to the Pulse’s procreation prevention panache).

[Be sure to visit autocycles.org for the full “experience” if you don’t believe me.]

Oh, and back to the actual “reporting” thing, AutoCycle’s “Value Guide” only has 3-5 Pulses that have sold in the $20k-plus region. But they only list cars in their “registry”—those with known serial numbers and such—which is probably why this thing’s sold with a “Branded Title” and isn’t on their website.

And if there's one thing I know about the fairer sex—and I don't know much, apart from how they can't get enough of my James Bond-ian looks and lifestyle—it's that adding stickers reading "Skytrek Inc. Air Sea Hybrid Vehicles / A New Era in Personal Transportation" to the side of your Pulse makes them EXTRA sure you're pepper-spray material.

[The fact that the only word on that sticker that actually—but only barely—applies to the Pulse is “vehicle” certainly doesn’t help seal the deal, if you know what I mean.]

But hey, you go buy your mini fighter plane and zoom around feeling like the pilot of your own F-22 Raptor, starship, or whatever. But remember: Mug Root Beer protects its bottled product better in its plastic than your Pulse will protect you in its.

But, as the Klingons say, today IS a good day to die…

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