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March Madness Mecum's Way: Its Kansas City Sale Is Supertruck Central

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On: Tue, Mar 20, 2012 at 12:06PM | By: Andrew W Davis

March Madness Mecum's Way: Its Kansas City Sale Is Supertruck Central

It takes a special kind of person to see nature’s most useful vehicle and—for whatever reason—convert it into something like the “trucks” you see here. Were these vehicles’ owner/builders overcompensating for something? Were they convinced that gasoline has a shelf life such that if they didn’t burn it all as fast as possible that it’d “go bad”?

You can (presumably) put these questions—and any others that might come from you reading about these rigs in a second—to said owner/builders directly at Mecum Auction’s Kansas City, MO, sale, March 29-31.

Just make sure you’re “diplomatic” about the whole thing. The kind of mind it takes to create something like one of these probably won’t cotton to dealing with your brand of humor. At all. Trust me on this one…

[Trucks are listed in the order in which they will appear at the auction.]

T(hursday) 61: “2007 GMC Sierra Crew Cab Pickup”

“This one off custom truck is equipped with four wheel drive, FTS 12" suspension lift with front and rear chrome Fox Racing dual shocks; BRP custom front grill with fog lights; 20" Black Rock Star wheels; Super Swamper tires; $3,000 custom AM/FM stereo with navigation and CD player; $10,000 custom tribal paint job; over $25,000 worth of extras; leather seats, suede headliner and ostredge [sic] interior; 60,000 actual miles.”

Behold the 13-year-old’s idea of what a cool truck should look like: Dangerously-perched body? Check. Goofy accessories, including oversize rims and unnecessarily aggressive tires? Yep. “Pretend” off-road prowess? Mmm-hmm. Swirly, airbrushed paint and trim that’s just the first half of the term “bad-ass”? You betcha. Seriously, they threw $38,000 at this truck and THIS is the best they could do? Driving this thing must feel like being atop the world’s largest pogo stick, and anyone who knows about this sort of thing can see that its builders weren’t serious about going off-road in it, either. But hey, at 13 all you can do is sit in it and make “vroom, vroom” noises, and for that it’s PERFECT…

T 89: “1989 Chevrolet Silverado C1500 Pickup, 350 CI, Automatic”

“Phantom Dually; built from rust free Texas truck; custom body modifications include: mirrors, bedsides, roll pan, grill and tailgate; power steering, brakes, windows and locks; factory installed air conditioning; low mileage on drivetrain, engine, transmission and rear end.”

I subscribe to just about every automotive magazine in creation, but I’ve never had any interest the ones that have “Rod” or “Custom” in their title (and don’t get me started on Rod & Custom!)There are only so many ways you can cram a supercharged big-block in the engine bay of a slammed and/or tubbed domestic car or truck. Then again, apart from that ridiculous steering wheel and 1980s alloy wheels, I actually like this one. It’s like something Darth Vader would drive, if he was a hick. Yee-haw, rebel scum! (Wait. If HE did it would it be considered an “EMPIRE Yell”?...)

F(riday) 21: “1993 Dodge Dakota Extended Cab 4x4 Pickup, 408 CI, Automatic”

“Full body-off restoration, receipts for everything; award winning people's choice award and best in show; runs on pump gas or high octane gas; 3" triple plated chrome exhaust; all suspension has been powder coated; 4" Trailmaster suspension and lift; anti roll system with polyurethane bushings; 35" Nitto mud grappler tires with alloy rims; M&M pro built transmission with overdrive; Probuilt engine by KD engines; shaved doors with remote poppers; custom stereo speaker box with TV and DVD player; under body glow kit.”

They say you can’t polish a turd, but nobody ever mentions hollowing one out and cramming in a blown big-block. Now I know why. These were HORRIBLE trucks even showroom-new, begging the question why they bothered to use such a crapbox as the base for this build-up. But one look at this thing’s precariously-perched nitrous bottle (there’s an extinguisher nearby for safety!) will tell you that good judgment was one of the things that got left out during this re-do. Tires don’t fit in the wheel wells? Forget it! Nitrous bottle hooked—via the world’s longest unprotected line, naturally—to an engine so large that the front bodywork is practically bolted directly to it, leaving the engine with absolutely no protection from elements you’re presumably going to 4x4 your way into? Check and check. But the real cherry atop this crap pile is this: “Nitrous tank for show only, never sprayed.” Seems this beast’s builders might’ve had a little good judgment after all…

F 36: “1994 GMC Pickup, LT1, Automatic”

“Salvage title; LT1 Corvette aluminum head fuel injected engine; polished aluminum and billet under hood; 4L60 automatic; Hooker headers; polished Edelbrock stainless mufflers; ladder bars; push bar; 3.70 rear end; Headache rack; 4" lift; 20" wheels; Rhino bedliner; 4 PIAA fog lights; all new interior.”

I was unclear on the definition of “hot mess,” but then I saw this thing. I’m not sure from how far gone this truck was “salvaged”, but they should’ve left it alone to die with dignity rather than be unnaturally returned to the road zombie-style. It begets the question(s): Was the engine compartment store out of everything but shiny sheeting? Did you know the guy who painted and added flames to your truck was blind when you hired him? Were you contractually-obligated to your five-year-old for exclusive rights to hand-cutting your “4x4” bedside stickers? And… you get the idea. Tell the automotive organ-harvesters that they can salvage whatever they can reuse and torch the rest. Consider it a mercy killing, for it and for us...

S(aturday) 16: “2006 Dodge 3500 Megacab [six-wheel]”

“True 6 wheel drive; 6 wheel disc brakes; heated front and rear ostrich skin seats; onboard air and train horns; Alpine rear entertainment system; Kenwood XM; navigation; rearview camera; 7 inch chrome stacks; 12 off road lights; Toad armor front and rear bumpers; 12,000 Ramsey Winch; 37 inch pro comp tires.”

Gimme gimmie gimmie! I can’t afford it, can’t feed it, can’t insure it and have nowhere to park it, but I’ve never wanted a six-wheeled Super Ram more than I do right now. Everything about this truck shouts “gratuitous”, from the big-rig diesel “stacks” belching exhaust from above the bed inches from the rear window to the nine-gazillion-candle-power’s-worth of auxiliary lights, the Fort Knox-strength bumpers to the very fact that this thing has SIX WHEELS! I don’t know about you, but I need to keep track of this thing’s ownership so I know where to find it when the world ends in December or the Zombie Apocalypse comes, whichever happens first…

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