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B-J Unloads A Few Mindfreaked-With Customs For The Magicial Criss Angel (& "JD"!)

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On: Fri, Oct 14, 2011 at 1:00PM | By: Andrew W Davis

B-J Unloads A Few Mindfreaked-With Customs For The Magicial Criss Angel (& "JD"!)

Welcome to the 200th installment of my series, “I Am in the Wrong Line of Work.” Today’s topic: What the hell’s so freaking special about magicians?

Now I’m not saying that automotive writers don’t get their fair share of the ladies, it’s just that those damn key-swallowing, hand-waving weirdos get way more than theirs. [Sure, maybe those multi-pierced, wannabe Goth/Emo girls aren’t what I’d be looking for, but it hurts me that they never even offer.]

What does this have to do with cars, you ask? Plenty. See, this "Criss Angel" dude—like that’s really the name his mom gave him—decided to unload a few of his “Mindfreak” vehicles at the last Barrett-Jackson sideshow in Vegas—naturally—so now I get to unload a little on him, too.

Let’s see Mr. Magicpants escape from my Tomb of Scathing Invectives!

[In the interest of space—and my blood pressure—I’m summarily executing all the “world renowned magician Criss Angel proudly presents from his personal collection this immaculate fill-in-the-blank” and “take advantage of this rare opportunity to own a piece of magic history…with the sale of this historical Mindfreak vehicle” crap here and now. If you want smoke blown up your no-no place go seek it on your own somewhere else. I’m a devoted Penn & Teller man and damn proud of it.]

And now... on with the show!

Lot 652.1: “2006 Dodge Viper Custom 2 door coupe” [SOLD for $77,000]

[Most of the description contains things that the Viper already had from the factory, so what follows are the clearly “custom” touches (as they appear in the description)]: “This magnificent…machine supports a new custom interior with a custom billet pedal set with 'CA' logo on accelerator. It has…a ground effects unit from Reel Wheels. Fuel door is customized with the official 'CA' logo. This vehicle is fully loaded with…premium ear piercing touch screen stereo system with CD changer, MTX Thunder 600-watt subwoofer am [sic], MTX Thunder 4-channel amp, dual exhaust by Corsa.”

Right. Well, here’s what you need to know: This Viper—despite being the “Official Car for Season 2” of his Mindfreak show—utterly lacks any of the ringy-fingered and spangly-haired crap you’d expect. Similarly, despite being in other TV shows of dubious repute—from “Larry King to MTV Cribs”—as well as “magazines,” it would seem that it was trailered there as only 798 miles show on its odo. No, wait, here it is: “Criss only used this machine in A&E's Mindfreak season 2, press, TV and special appearances.” Still, how he got so much custom crap piled onto (and into) this coupe without ruining it I’ll never know, but he did. Score one for Angel the car-customizer (and -conservator!).

Lot 652.2: “1969 Chevrolet Camaro Custom 2 door coupe” [SOLD for $62,700]

“This street legal, 4-speed, Chevy 454 big block, solid roller, dual carburetor, low-rise intake with over 550hp, TCI rack and pinion custom front end, center-line chrome lip wheels with Hoosier Pro-Street tires and a custom wheelie-bar. Topped off with a one-of-a-kind airbrushed ghost flame paint job with Criss' world famous skeleton images airbrushed. The new and completely restored interior features a mind numbing Kenwood audio system, Sirius radio, custom iPod mount, JL audio, V2 subwoofer amp, V2 mid amp, 6.5" speakers and custom X2 enclosure. Plus other interior features including Camero [sic] seats with the official Criss Angel signature, Autometer gauge pods, custom design Lokar door panels, ignited performance switches and a new custom designed interior. As shown, Criss spared no expense to create this unique rare driving machine.”

Substitute a “3” after the “Season” in my Viper commentary and “under 100” where the “798” appears before “miles” and you’ve pretty much got its life story. But where that Viper was understated and sophisticated this thing is overdone and under-thought. It’s no surprise that it’s never gone a significant distance as I don’t think it can. Well, maybe it can if the road is arrow-straight, has high walls and is clear of obstructions. So why did this thing get built in the first place? Because Mr. Angel knows how to convert television-company money into unusable custom cars… magically!

Lot 652.3: “2010 Campagna T-Rex Custom” [RESERVE NOT MET]

“This street legal rocket provided the power, theatrical flair and performance Criss demanded for his Evel Knievel-inspired stunt for his 1-hour premiere episode "Grand Canyon Jump" of Mindfreak on A&E. Criss has only used this showroom condition T-Rex for less than 6 hours, only to be used for filming, press and special appearances. Some media documentation will come with the sale of this vehicle.”

Boy, those six must have been some hours! People are nervous about buying cars that were former rentals; even I might shy away from anything that’s even been mentioned in the same BREATH as “Evel Knievel-inspired stunt.” Seriously, for as cool as these half-superbike, half-insane creations are, I don’t really see the value-add that was to have come from six hours-worth of magician’s butt-prints, so I’m not surprised it didn’t sell. But at least he didn’t have it long enough to mess with it, right?

Lot 652.4: “2006 Hummer H2 Custom SUT” [SOLD for $110,000]

“This one-of-a-kind, fully customized Hummer H2…”

Ugh, stop. Look, read the list of horrors that have been inflicted against this otherwise harmless Hummer pseudo-pickup if you want, but it just makes my head hurt. You know, I was starting to give the guy a little credit for his work with the Viper, but with that ’69 Camaro and now THIS it’s just… too much. Literally. I’m sure he had a reason for “Latin-inscribed door sills”, “Houdini-inspired designs including a custom lock and chain brush guard and side steps” and “hidden air blasters that surprise onlookers from the grille,” but seeing as how it has no “Official Car of” attached to it, I’m thinking this is something he actually wanted to do…. on his OWN! Magically- (and sickeningly-) ridiculous.

Lot 652.7: “1957 Pontiac Star Chief Convertible” [SOLD for $110,000]

[Like every great showman knows, it’s best to end on a high note, and that’s what I’m doing here. This car isn’t technically from that Criss Angel “fleet” I’ve been telling you about, but it is from someone on the show, so, here it is…]

“JD from Mindfreak presents this very rare, highly optioned, factory black 1957 convertible with Tri-Power 340/290hp, matching numbers Pontiac Starchief with power steering, power brakes, power top and Continental kit, fender skirts, Hydromatic transmission, spinner hubcaps, white walls, deluxe electromatic push-button radio, heater, optional factory reverse lights, optional factory glass jar for wipers, deluxe red and white interior, door handle guards and only 12,789 ever produced in 1957.”

I don’t know this “JD” person but I like him. A LOT. This car is everything Criss’s cars aren’t, including being in factory-correct, restored-but-un-messed-with condition. How he kept this inherently valuable and rare car out of Criss’s customizing claws is unclear, but we all owe a great debt to him for doing so. Come to think of it... THAT was a trick I’d like to have seen! Whenever Criss came around did JD make this Poncho “disappear”? Did he keep it behind a mirrored panel or in a secret compartment in his garage? Ooh! And HE'S not a magician, so he could TOTALLY tell me how he did it, right? That'd be... Oh, wait. When you know how the "trick" is done, it’ stops being “magical,” doesn't it? You know what? Screw it! Tell me tell me tell me! Penn & Teller would, and they're TEN TIMES the magician Angel could ever be!

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