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Smart Takes Its "Worst" Tour Nationwide!

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On: Wed, May 4, 2011 at 8:46AM | By: Andrew W Davis

Smart Takes Its "Worst" Tour Nationwide!

That might not *actually* be what they’re calling it, but can you blame me?

OK, I’ll play this one straight from now on. Not because I'm afraid of the retribution—or lack thereof—that can come my way from needling the nerds that buy this ridiculous car as they’re an apparently ever-diminishing pool (sales down 66 percent since Aug. 2009!), but because my electronic breath is wasted as ForTwo buyers must be able to shrug off constant insults or they wouldn’t drive the kind of vehicle that even circus-clown-car-buyers avoid else someone might think their ride is ridiculous.

So, instead, I’ll forget what Forbes said about the Little Coupe that Can’t—see my other article!—and try to find something positive to say in recognition of the Magical Misery Tour smart (the company) is bringing to burgs like yours so that smart (again, not the term for intelligence) owners can all come out of the weirdwork together and collectively fine-tune their reasons for not being ashamed at driving something so clearly not meant for American roads in everyone’s way on American roads.

Oh. That didn’t end up being “positive,” did it? Let’s take another run at it…

Alright, when smart—their lack of caps, not mine—brought their ForTwo (my caps) dog-and-pony show to the US they brought journalists from around the world to exciting San Jose, California, to join in on the fun despite the fact that the ForTwo was already in the rest of the world (and a success, to boot!).

Never one to pass up a free trip back to my hometown, I, too, spent a few days in Silicon Valley, drinking whatever the German/Swiss version of Kool-Aid is as I tooled around in a metallic orange ForTwo “passion cabriolet” (again, their no caps).

I had a mostly fine time. In fact, if I didn’t treat it like it was supposed to be a real car—it is, isn’t it?—the little plastic motorized module and I got along well. Well, so long as the top was down/apart/stowed/whatever and there were no hills or highways or expectations of “handling” to contend with. So that’s something positive, right?

Well, if there was one thing I came away with from all that smart experience, it was that I’d be smart not to buy one. Sure, having a Playskool-proportioned personal transport can be fun, and if a vehicle’s top goes down my interest in it goes up. But it’s not hard to come up with reasons you wouldn’t want a two-seater with zero room and no horsepower, regardless of your station in life.

[There’s a joke about “fat girls” and “mopeds” that’d be appropriate here, but it’s inappropriate so it’s not.]

It will be equally hard not to find a reason, however, to visit one of the places I’ll mention in a minute on the dates that I will list alongside so that you can see first-hand the kind of people who not only purchased one of these things, but kept it and is not suitably ashamed.

But in fairness, here’s how smart is spinning it:

“Celebrate the joy of driving a smart with owners and enthusiasts from across the country! From road rallies to potlucks, picnics, and car cruises, there's a little something for everyone. Check out some of the featured events below:

April 30, 2011 (10 a.m. - 5 p.m.) The Celtic Cup Coffee House Cruise-In, Tullahoma, TN;

May 1 (11:30 a.m. - 2 p.m.) Lunch and Spring Cleaning Meeting at the Carriage Car Wash, Roselle, IL;

May 14 (11 a.m.) Picnic/Pot Luck, Columbia, MO; (1–4 p.m.) 1st Connecticut Chapter Meeting at smart center Fairfield, Fairfield, CT;

May 20 (8 a.m. - 7 p.m.) International French Car Meet at Carlisle, Carlisle, PA;

May 22 (1 - 4 p.m.) Invade a Small Town/Old Town Spring Crawfish Festival Meeting at Hyde's Cafe in Old Town Spring, Spring, TX;

May 28 (9 a.m. - 3 p.m.) 1st Annual Smithfield-to-Yorktown, VA, smart Drive Meeting at Smithfield Station Parking Lot, Smithville, VA;

June 10 – 12 5 p.m. (June 10) - 7 p.m. (June 12) 2011 Midwest smart Rally, Wisconsin Dells, WI;

July 9 (10 a.m. - 5 p.m.) Hamilton, Ontario Mystery Run, Meeting at Tim Horton’s- Waterdown, Hamilton, ON;

September 16 – 18 “outSMARTing the Dragon III” Fontana Village, Fontana Dam, NC;

November 13 (11 a.m. - 6 p.m.) SACC Returns to Shady Maple Smorgasbord, Shady Maple Smorgasbord-Lancaster County, Lancaster, PA

To view details of each event or to add an event to our calendar, visit www.smartusainsider.com/events. Be sure to check back frequently as new events are continually being added. Hope to see you there!”

Wait. Some of those actually sound pretty cool. Sure, most are pretty Podunk, but the word “dragon” really jazzes-up anything it’s put near, and it’s not often you can return to Shady Maple Smorgasbord at the actual Shady Maple Smorgasbord.

So, if you own a smart and are not suitably ashamed—or a Saturn and now that the brand’s dead your “Homecoming”-less life is without meaning—there are some places you can go and at least spread the embarrassment that was usually yours alone around amongst the other pod-people who come ForTwo-in’ around your town.

[Just don't get too comfortable out there. Nobody wants to be the last clown around when the circus leaves town...]

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